Friday, May 18, 2018

There is a certain kind of sadness that envelopes you as you become an adult. It is no longer the sadness that comes in waves that drown you whole. You learn that experiencing sadness as an adult means learning to control the emotion, rather than being controlled by it. After all, being an adult is all about faking control. When and where tears are acceptable. What the loss means for not just you, but also the people around you. Moving on. And learning that you're not and don't have to be alone.

I grew up with dogs. There was never a point in my life that we never had a dog. Over two decades, I've lost count of the dogs that have left us. They either never came home, or they went home. I remember most of them, though. Lady, Sammy, Blackie, Oreo, Happy, Milo, and recently, Troy. It never gets easier. There is always a pang of guilt whenever our dogs left. Were we really terrible at taking care of dogs? Was there anything we could've done to have made their lives with us better? Spend more time with them, perhaps? I spend so much time with the dog in our house but not with those in our compounds that guard our homes and keep us safe. I reflect a lot on that. We can do better. But we don't. Why?

Losing Troy wasn't just sadness. Losing Troy also meant bearing guilt. Guilt of not having spent more time with him, helping dad search for him, taking him out for walks, connecting with him, etc. The same guilt that I feel of not knowing how to love my dad. Of not doing enough. Losing Troy meant worry. Worry about your aging father, and how he's coping with his own loss and guilt. Losing Troy meant feeling a sense of relief for sisters who will come home and make the mood less sombre. It always is when there are only three adults in a house. Even more so when there are two dogs. Losing Troy meant wondering what life would be like for your parents when you or your sisters migrate.

Experiencing sadness as an adult means learning to ride the waves.

Monday, March 26, 2018


17 things in 2017:

1. Got into the national team after years of trying.
2. Travelled to my first 'ang moh' country... Australia! Kidding, it was New Zealand. But we first transited in Gold Coast.
3.  First ever sports accident after more than a decade of being safe. Tore two ligaments and had to undergo a surgery to stitch them back together lel.
4. Lived away from home for the first time to conduct my internship in NUS.
5. Played in SG Floorball League and made many new friends from floorball and lab!
6. Met my nieces living in SG for the first time
7. Started on FYP :S
8. Watched Classic vs TPS in SG
9. Good Vibes Festival - watching Kodaline, LANY and some other acts live
10. Catching The Sam Willows live
11. Finally brought the Merdeka Cup back
12. Ran 15KM and 15 storeys of stairs. Not a fan of running so the last time I ran this much was PBIM's 10KM in 2010 lmao
13. Bought a new stick
14. Tried goalkeeping for the first time
15. 1st runner up for TAR Cup with Vendetta Eagles... again
16. First ever fam holiday in a long, long time in Cambodia
17. Bought a film camera
I hate this life. I hate this world. I hate its people.

Tuesday, February 13, 2018


Why do I keep running headfirst into a wall even when I see so clearly from miles away that it's a fucking wall

Tuesday, December 05, 2017

Ever Enough

Wondering when will I ever be enough for anyone or anything. The need to get out of this place has become increasingly desperate. Not sure why coming home makes me fall into a slum of depression.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Probably not the best time to be blogging now when it's the final week of the semester but I needed a place to rant. Been meaning to get this one off my chest for a while now.

Three weeks ago, I had two complete ligament tear in my ankle. It happened during our last game of the season. Nobody knows for sure what happened but I've spent half my life playing sports and this is the first time I've gotten an injury. So I went through a surgery to stitch them back together and have been on crutches since.

Don't get me wrong, I care for my teammates when they get injured and I am careful when I train, but injuries have always been an aspect I put at the back of my mind. Until now. And let me tell you this, being injured and out of action is something you never wish upon another athlete.

I try my best every day. I attend lab and classes, and since physically I can only do so much, I try to focus more on the mental aspects. Like studying. And doing my lab reports and assignments. I try to be optimistic and grateful, but people don't see that some days, I get super fed up and frustrated. Especially when my right knee hurts. I get sad. Some days I come home and cry. Some days I just want someone to love me and tell me I'm doing a great job keeping up. But no, I have to put up with the consequences of wearing my heart on my sleeve and mind games.

I ask, "Why are timings this year such a bitch?" I had plans. Big plans. And there were so many opportunities I had to miss out on because of this stupid injury. I try to comfort myself into thinking that Big Guy up there has Bigger Plans. But I am never able to fathom Big Guy's Big Plans. Maybe his plans are so big that sometimes it's best to just sit back and focus on... whatever.

Friday, January 27, 2017

2016: A Year of Milestones

Yet another year has passed, which means it's time for the annual Year in a Review blogpost! Of course, a little overdue thanks to finals but you know what they (I) say, better late than dead! :P

I used to think of this annual routine as quite a chore, but in retrospect I'm glad I started it because who in the world is going to remember how their year went 5 years down the road, right? I can barely remember how 2016 went already. And it's good that as the numbers keep adding up, the more good things we add onto the list. They say life is supposed to get better, and I think when you start a tradition like this, it's easier for you to really want to go out there and get things done so that you can add them onto the list. A bit like a reverse bucket list, maybe.

The 16 things in 2016, let's go.

1. Visited Bangkok for the first time. Twice.
2. Went to Hong Kong and Macau for the first time!
3. Won my very first volleyball gold in the 10 years I've been playing volleyball. Represented USM in the 18th IMT-GT in Songkhla, Thailand and met some of my favourite Thai chicks.
4. Attended my very first Aquatic Night!
5. Headed Project Ocean Awareness USM, huge headache, learned a lot, still have a lot to learn. Released baby turtles into the ocean for the first time.
6. Got my Bronze Cross certification. I can save two people now!
7. Got my Advanced Open Water certified in Perhentian! Saw two huge turtles on my first night dive, and bioluminescent plankton.
8. One to two weeks later, went back to Perhentian for POA's very first Beach & Underwater Cleanup.
9. Caved in and got an iPhone 6.
10. Travelled PEN-KUL-PEN. A lot.
11. Started majoring in Microbiology. Signed up for 20 units my first semester. I was drunk.
12. Witnessed friends my age getting married; Yu Ling and babi love Zoe.
13. Dyed and shaved my hair for the first time.
14. NATASHARK. 'Nuff said.
15. Played with Vendetta Eagles in TAR Cup and managed to bag silver. Bagged silver in MC2016 and PFL2016 too. IDK what is it with being second best always. :P
16. Got to meet The Sam Willows!!!!!

Last but not least, I also managed to secure a scholarship this year. The reason I never applied for scholarships was because I didn't want to be bonded but after thinking about the amount of debt I'll be in upon graduation and also... why the f*ck am I studying so hard but not putting that hard work into good use. So I caved. Obviously I'm bonded now (aye ;)), but for only a year and I am free to choose whichever job I want as long as I'm working in Penang, so that's a pretty good deal.

I knew 2016 was a pretty good year for me. I had so much going on for me and I can only hope it gets better as the years pass. :)

Takeaway from 2016: Learned a lot about self-love, self-respect, and I think I finally understood what they meant when they said, "You miss the memories, not the person." It's funny how all those years of being hung up over you came from your absence, and how I craved for your presence then. Now that we've seen each other and spoken to each other more, the more I realise, that I'm talking to a stranger. Of course, it is never easy when that happens but I guess all those years apart and looking at how much things have changed helped me realise my self worth. I've learned to cherish my friends and family so much more. They were there to pick me up when I was crazy and emotional, lost and confused, thinking why would nobody love me, thinking why wouldn't YOU love me, and basically just getting caught up in my own world to the extent where I stopped appreciating everyone else around me. Someone told me to start loving myself more, and I did. And I'll never forget that. Because it really does make you feel so much calmer, knowing that you don't need someone to love you, when all you really need to start with is yourself.

Here's to starting 2017 expecting for the worst and hoping for the best. As always.

ps: Too lazy for pictures this time, maybe I'll edit them in later on. Keyword: Maybe.